Finally. Finally I have heard the words, ” I love you and regardless of what your father said, the doors are open for you here always”.
It was so hard to keep the tears from coming down my cheeks. My mother has never had a talk to me that ended up in a very good, peaceful, loving feeling like tonights. Last time I talked to her, she threatened to disown me for even thinking about falling for someone that was not Mormon. I finally heeded to my best friend’s advice; talk to your parents about how you are feeling. You must understand this from my family, we are not one to talk about feelings, much less express them in a loving, caring way. We express that we care for each other by having each other’s back. For example, only I can call my sisters mean names and hit them, no one else. When one of us say the words “I love you”, it is a very uncanny, unfamiliar feeling we all get and then automatically think to ourselves, they want something. But finally I mustered up the courage to finally talk to my parents about how I feel about the whole entire Mormon dating subject, how I feel that I am being taken for granted, how I feel they do not appreciate my piano or guitar playing…etc. It ended up very badly last night with an upset father again and a mother that just kept quiet as her husband took out all of his anger on her daughter and well I hope said things he did not mean. But finally, for the first time, my mother called me and said she wanted to talk to me today. It is the first time she has done this ever. She usually stays quiet all the time, especially when my father speaks, but this time she walked towards me as I came home. Her eyes and pink nose had told me she had been crying, and crying a lot. That broke my heart. I love my mom. My mom is my everything. I would do anything for this woman. She sat me down and she then proceeded to do the same. She looked me in the eyes and told me the words that are not said frequently at all in my house, ” I love you”. She told me how she was not in accordance with how my father has been treating me and honestly, when she said this, I finally realized I was not being the crazy rebellious daughter. She told me everything she has been holding inside and apologized for ever telling me she would disown me. She told me how great of a daughter I have been to them and how she would love for me to stay at the house, but if I had to leave for a while, that she was fine with it as well. Just to know that unlike what my father had said, that the doors would be open for me whenever I was ready to come back. The tears were really coming down now.
I will be leaving for a bit, but I will return. I will return and still help out my family because how can I not? No matter what, they are my family. I will also return for I know that no matter how great my friends are, it is not appropriate to live with three men. Especially now that I have someone that I hold very dear to my heart. There is a line of respect that I will not cross. No matter how much trust there is. I will come back to my house, hopefully then my father has had time to get rid of the deamons that torment him. I love my father. No matter what he has done. I have forgiven him, for he is only human. It is in our nature to trip and fall in our trails towards life. The thing that I must work on, is that I must forgive him this time, truly forgive him. When one truly forgives, one is rid of all the negative moments, experiences, feelings that one person inflicted upon oneself’s being. It is impossible to forget and forgive. Those who say to forgive and forget are ignorant to the fact that we are unable to forget, no matter how genuine our pardon is to that person that has done one wrong. On the other hand, I believe that where that notion came from “Forgive and forget”, did not mean to forget in a literal way coming straight from our personal memory lanes. I believe it means to forget all of the negative feelings that we experienced when that one person or people hurt us. Forgive those who have done you wrong, and remember them no more. For where there is true forgiveness, we are left with nothing but internal peace within ourselves. No more are we suffering with whatever it is that was done wrong to us. No more bitterness. No more resentment towards that person. Just pure forgiveness.
I have realized that all of these years, I have never truly forgiven my dad for what he has done. I am finally forgiving him, and the peace…is completely worth it. It does no one any good in remembering the wrong past actions that were done unto you. Trust me. It is just venom into one’s own life.
Thank you mom, for reminding me that I am loved. I believe this is all I wanted to hear in the end. That I was loved. I hugged my mom after she finished talking because really there were no words that could express how much I love her. I hugged her for a long time. Kissed her cheek, and smiled. A mother’s love truly is unconditional and beautiful.