Not Recognizing Your Own Mother

San Holo is performing,  EDC is completely LIT, I am jumping up and down and dancing away like there is no tomorrow (while of course recording everything on the Snap), when I see that my younger sister sends me a text.  It’s past midnight, so I get curious and open the message. “Mom’s in the hospital…she is not doing so good”.  My heart drops, my eyes water, the music fades away along with the thousands people of surrounding me, and I honestly almost lose it.  Rewind.

It’s 2009, Sophomore year in high school.  My dad picks my sister and I up from school, and instead of driving away, he just stays there and says “Your mom was diagnosed with cancer, the doctors gave her at most 2 years to live”, and starts crying like I have never seen him cry.  That year was a very hard one for me.  I isolated myself from everyone, decided to focus completely on my studies and instruments, and take care of my family.  Back to present.

On my mother’s birthday, the doctors inform her she has stage 4 cancer, and that this time they can only slow down the growth, but not prevent it.  I honestly do not know what my mother is feeling right now, but I can imagine she is scared of leaving her 8 member family, and we are all scared of losing her.  I do not want to lose her.  Please God, I do not want to lose her.  I am trying to be as optimistic as possible, but right now it is really hard doing just that.  She is going to go through all the treatments necessary, but I remember in the past that when she went through those treatments, I honestly could not recognize her anymore, and that scared me.

Mom, Queen, I will cherish all the time I have with you on this Earth.  parenting-mom-child-tunnel

 

New Year Coming Up

With this new year coming up, I have decided that my goals will be the following:

  1. Buy a new car; trust me guys, if I didn’t have to I wouldn’t be buying one.
  2. Get my body in the best shape it could ever be; this year I slacked big time.
  3. Donate all of the clothes I do not wear anymore to my family in Mexico.
  4. Learn Portuguese so I can go visit Brazil without a language barrier.
  5. Re-learn BIO, O-CHEM, and CALC

I honestly am still enjoying this year so much. It truly has been one of the best years ever. Once 2017 gets closer, I shall write about the highlights and lowest points of it.  See you then!

sparkler-for-blog

Growing Up

Here I am, sitting in front of my laptop and just waiting for my hot chocolate to cool down a bit in order to initiate the first sip…yet not even two hours ago I was on my knees, wanting to cry but could not due to already using up all of my tears during work.  I cannot say exactly who I work for nor what exactly it is I do for a living, but trust me, if you were to find out, you would most like just last there a month.

I grew up in a neighborhood where I fell asleep with gunshot and helicopter sounds.When I was in 1st grade, walking from school towards home with my little sister and cousin, two men approached us and tried lying to us that our mother had sent them to get us for they had gone grocery shopping; don’t worry, our mothers came just in time to stop the kidnapping. I grew up in a middle school where I would see my fellow classmates sell cannabis, and have the police pat every single one of us down for drugs at least once a month.  I grew up in the same neighborhood as my bully, and in that same neighborhood, my bully’s brother was shot down in front of his house for hanging out with the wrong girl. I got to see people knife fighting in my neighborhood just because they were too drunk to cope. I saw a little girl’s dead body due to her running across the street and being hit by a car. I thought I honestly had seen the ugly side of this world, but I had no idea.

I knew my work was not going to be for the faint hearted, but…you see, I thought I was tough.  You are reading this from a girl that started fighting while wearing diapers. I beat up girls and boys, and was never afraid to challenge a boy one, two or three years older than me to Mercy or arm wrestling.  I learned to be tough when I was small, majority of it was due to the look on my big sister and big cousin’s face when I would beat a guy; they were so proud and best believe they would never let the guys forget.  But I am telling you, not even the worst neighborhood can prepare you to children suffering in a manner you never thought existed.  To think some countries allow such corruption still blows me away. To children? Really??

That’s the reason I cannot quit.  I know harder times are yet to come, but I will cry as many tears as possible, in order to get m6a60ed8c1037c23b1ddc69a2a04c499fy act together and do what I have to do. I honestly did not know what I was getting myself into, I was just extremely filled with joy for having graduated from university. How do I comfort myself? I am working on a plan, in which I will make this world a better place.  Where I am starting is a great start, but I definitely will start being more actively involved in the country’s themselves, not safely tucked away under the wings of the mighty eagle.

A Thing of Beauty

I met him three years ago on one college night in the dorm’s of ASU; Taylor Place.  At the end of 2012, I finally ended a poisonous relationship with my highschool sweetheart that turned into my highschool nightmare.  It was indeed hard but it had to be done.  I was going through a very hard time for I had dedicated a lot of time and caring for this guy.  All of my friends were his friends and I did not want to see them for he was always with them.  As fast as I broke off that relationship, 2012 came to an end and I was a wreck.  I had lost many people I thought were my friends, therefore, I was desperate for friendship; new friendship.  Through a neighbor of mine in my floor, I met the greatest guys you will ever meet.  I met one in the cafeteria as his mouth was full of food; quite funny.  The second one I met in the cafeteria as well for I approached the first guy i had met that same day in lunch.  Although he was of pale complexion, I immediately recognized some “raza”;  I was really excited.  As I joined him for dinner, the lunch guy soon joined, and my neighbor.  We discussed schoolwork and our majors, and I mentioned studying in the library after dinner.  Thirty minutes after dinner I was in the library, in a study room, and LunchGuy came with Raza, who came with BuffGuy, who came with BandanaGuy, who came with EccentricGuy, who came with Neighbor.  It was the first and last study group we had together for it was the most unproductive one I had ever had in my time in ASU but boy was it the funniest and one of the memories in my life I will never forget.  Less than ten minutes in our “studying”, Raza was making fun of LunchGuys physique in highschool by showing us his football video in highschool;  we were all filled with laughter.  It had been a while since I laughed like that.

There are those kind of people in your life, that when you meet them, you already know that they are people of good heart.  That is what I felt from Raza and LunchGuy.  I found myself seeing them at least every other day.  I planned out breakfast with all of them and lunch. Lunch soon falled out but breakfast, at least Raza was always there and EccentricGuy. The rest of them were either too hungover or lazy to wake up at 7:30AM-8:00AM for breakfast.

So back to him.  Raza and LunchGuy had been talking about their friends from California coming down to see them.  Man were they excited. You should have heard them talk about their friends…that is when I realized girls and guys are not that different. They just did not squeal of excitement…although LunchGuy almost did.  I could tell that their friends were just like them.  For I believe my friends’ friends, are my friends as well, or at least will be cared for from me.  I had a date that night I met him.  I had actually just been dropped off from the guy.  It was a fun date, but I was not interested in him, I honestly just wanted to be pampered a bit as awful as that sounds.  Raza texted me to come over to go out for the night with his friends.  I was excited to meet them so I immediately brushed my teeth and went to meet them.  They were all laying down the bed and floor like lazy bums. Understandable. They just came from a long drive.  Raza and LunchGuy teased me as usual saying I had “sex hair” for they knew I just came from a date. By the way, silliest guys ever as well. One of their friends wanted to get laid as I recall. The other wanted to cheat on his girlfriend. But him…calm as ever.  I observed him quite a bit more than the other for he was very quite.  I believe he spoke less than ten words to me.  As odd as this sounds, he was the one that had left the best impression on me.  Although he did look like he was going through hard times, I just had a feeling he was such a kind, gentle man.  They left eventually and I thought I would never see him again.  I followed him and his friends on social media for they were a fun pack and friends of my friends who treated me very kindly. One of them transferred to ASU, and that was the gamechanger right there.  The Transferee turned 21, and he was there.  I arrived before him and had no idea he was coming until The Transferee told me.  It had been a long while since I last saw him so I was excited but nervous. You must understand that The Transferee had no choice but to become good friends with me as well.  At first he looked at me cautiously…as if I was about to set up a fire somewhere at their place, but eventually won him over with just being me.  Yes, Transferee called me weird, but that is expected and completely accepted by me.  As Transferee had gone halfway through the bottle I bought for him as a present, he excitedly went outside, calmed down before he saw his brothers because ‘men’, and hugged them.  I saw him again, I believe he did not recognize me for he looked confused, but I still hugged him; he remembered.  Man.  Seeing him again had me smiling non-stop.  His dog and his brother’s dog were absolutely adorable, but I unfortunately had to leave the party a bit soon due to some girl complications. I did not want Transferee’s day ruined on my expense, so I left.  I visited the next day to say hello, but they were deep into REM state.  I believe a 4.5 eartquake would have made them budge. Just budge. No more.  I told Raza about my feelings towards him for I had to tell someone. He did not say I was crazy so that was a good sign.  Months passed, and I was meeting them up for breakfast in July.  I opened the first door to the Transferee’s apartment, and he was right there. Standing in front of the door with his lovely dog, in which immediately lost all control of herself and couldn’t stop jumping on me and smelling me; I smiled as I wrote that.  But he was there.  Standing. Smiling. Beautiful smile by the way with gorgeous sky blue eyes.  I hugged him of course after probably giving away my emotions towards him with the idiotic dumbfounded face I had for three seconds.  Everything after that went perfect for a Sunday morning breakfast.  Lots of laughing involved in the expense of others, especially the Transferee.  That time together came by so fast. But after that, we kept in communication.  I knew I should not get my hopes up for anything for he lived halfway across the country from me, but being the pathetic hopeless romantic that I am, I kept a seed of hope.  Now it is October.  I had breakfast with him in July. I can tell you, that that guy I saw three years ago, is that guy that every girl dreams for.

I see him and I can see it all so clear. Let me just tell you, in spite of all my fears, what I see when I see him, and not just him physically but him as a person, is a thing of true, genuine beauty.

As John Keats once said, “A thingCaban'a of beauty, is a joy forever”

Unconditional Love

Finally. Finally I have heard the words, ” I love you and regardless of what your father said, the doors are open for you here always”.

It was so hard to keep the tears from coming down my cheeks.  My mother has never had a talk to me that ended up in a very good, peaceful, loving feeling like tonights.  Last time I talked to her, she threatened to disown me for even thinking about falling for someone that was not Mormon.  I finally heeded to my best friend’s advice; talk to your parents about how you are feeling.  You must understand this from my family, we are not one to talk about feelings, much less express them in a loving, caring way.  We express that we care for each other by having each other’s back. For example, only I can call my sisters mean names and hit them, no one else.  When one of us say the words “I love you”, it is a very uncanny, unfamiliar feeling we all get and then automatically think to ourselves, they want something.  But finally I mustered up the courage to finally talk to my parents about how I feel about the whole entire Mormon dating subject, how I feel that I am being taken for granted, how I feel they do not appreciate my piano or guitar playing…etc.  It ended up very badly last night with an upset father again and a mother that just kept quiet as her husband took out all of his anger on her daughter and well I hope said things he did not mean.  But finally, for the first time, my mother called me and said she wanted to talk to me today.  It is the first time she has done this ever.  She usually stays quiet all the time, especially when my father speaks, but this time she walked towards me as I came home.  Her eyes and pink nose had told me she had been crying, and crying a lot.  That broke my heart.  I love my mom. My mom is my everything.  I would do anything for this woman.  She sat me down and she then proceeded to do the same.  She looked me in the eyes and told me the words that are not said frequently at all in my house, ” I love you”.  She told me how she was not in accordance with how my father has been treating me and honestly, when she said this, I finally realized I was not being the crazy rebellious daughter.  She told me everything she has been holding inside and apologized for ever telling me she would disown me.  She told me how great of a daughter I have been to them and how she would love for me to stay at the house, but if I had to leave for a while, that she was fine with it as well.  Just to know that unlike what my father had said, that the doors would be open for me whenever I was ready to come back.  The tears were really coming down now.

I will be leaving for a bit, but I will return. I will return and still help out my family because how can I not?  No matter what, they are my family.  I will also return for I know that no matter how great my friends are, it is not appropriate to live with three men.  Especially now that I have someone that I hold very dear to my heart.  There is a line of respect that I will not cross.  No matter how much trust there is.  I will come back to my house, hopefully then my father has had time to get rid of the deamons that torment him.  I love my father. No matter what he has done. I have forgiven him, for he is only human.  It is in our nature to trip and fall in our trails towards life.  The thing that I must work on, is that I must forgive him this time, truly forgive him.  When one truly forgives, one is rid of all the negative moments, experiences, feelings that one person inflicted upon oneself’s being.  It is impossible to forget and forgive.  Those who say to forgive and forget are ignorant to the fact that we are unable to forget, no matter how genuine our pardon is to that person that has done one wrong.  On the other hand, I believe that where that notion came from “Forgive and forget”, did not mean to forget in a literal way coming straight from our personal memory lanes. I believe it means to forget all of the negative feelings that we experienced when that one person or people hurt us.  Forgive those who have done you wrong, and remember them no more. For where there is true forgiveness, we are left with nothing but internal peace within ourselves. No more are we suffering with whatever it is that was done wrong to us. No more bitterness. No more resentment towards that person.  Just pure forgiveness.

I have realized that all of these years, I have never truly forgiven my dad for what he has done.  I am finally forgiving him, and the peace…is completely worth it.  It does no one any good in remembering the wrong past actions that were done unto you.  Trust me.  It is just venom into one’s own life.

Thank you mom,  for reminding me that I am loved.  I believe this is all I wanted to hear in the end.  That I was loved.  I hugged my mom after she finished talking because really there were no words that could express how much I love her. I hugged her for a long time. Kissed her cheek, and smiled.  A mother’s love truly is unconditional and beautiful.  Mother and Child

No Home Soon

Home is where you are supposed to be accepted right? Where the comfort is at. Where people understand you….where you’re supposed to feel safe.

My father is again at his worst with his arthritis, but I feel the need to somehow remind him that this weekend I will be going for a trip to North Carolina to see old friends with my friends here. My father knows ever since I was little I have been having nothing but male friends. I was bullied by girls when I was little and ever since then I just feel more comfortable with my guy friends. My female friends can be counted in one hand.

I remind him. He flips out. Claims to have never agreed to this trip. I tell him he had and he gets angry. I tell him again that he is mistaken and to ask my sister but he yells at me to shut up, in a mean spanish way.  I recognize the same anger he had had last year…that horrible day.  My father is not one person to be reasoned with at all. It is his way or the highway. That is what I will have to take this time. No way am I missing my trip with my friends that we had planned since two months ago.  I saved up and took all of the extra hours I could even when I was sick. I have never gone out somewhere out of state in my my breaks without a sister by my side.  Yes I lost my parents trust when they found out I was drinking, but the way they approached the whole problem was wrong.  They get mad at me for even thinking that I want to date a guy that is not of the same faith.  They see me wear short shorts in the summer and say that I am just inviting men to do bad things to me.  What is wrong with them?  I want them to be more understanding, but I know they will not change. Something has to change for them to change.  I am leaving home.  I will move in temporarily with a friend until I save up and get my own place.  I have helped them so much…I could have had my own car if I had not, and yet, they will not give me the freedom to leave to a trip with my friends.  I am absolutely saddened by this.  But I will not take another beating like I did last year. No one deserves to be hit like that.  Even remembering why I got beat really brings the tears back.  I was convinced by my older sister that my father would be understanding if I told him the truth, that he would appreciate the fact that I told him the truth. Well I told him, and he rushed at me so quick I had no time to react to my defense. I will not describe it because I do not want to relive it, just know, no daughter deserves to be hurt like that.  My little brother Helaman will be heart broken, but I must leave.  I will wait until we celebrate his birthday and then leave.  I cannot do this anymore.

I will love anyone I want to love without being laughed at. I will go out with my friends without a single bad word being spoken of them. I will dress how I want without being told not to be surprised if I am raped.  I love my family. But it is my parents that truly I will never understand. I am grateful for them. But this has to stop.far away home

My Respiratory System

It’s been almost a month now since I have been developing this abnormal cough.  At first I thought it was just a dry cough, but then it just kept going one day and I could not catch my breath.  My lungs are in pain every time I cough, including my chest.  I went to the ER last Saturday night. Was taken in and examined for more than two hours.  Different respiratory doctors came in to listen to my lungs taking in air.  My X-rays came out unremarkable.  But they did say my lungs had a lot of noise going on fore very single breath, and what they think were slight vibrations.  I was sent back with prescriptions because they could not find anything wrong with me…that they knew of.

For the past four nights I have not been able to sleep well. I have woken up due to my severe coughs and last night was the scariest yet.  It’s horrible not being able to breathe when you are surrounded by air. I can’t even be in my classes anymore because I’m so disruptive.  I have been eating less and less every day. Not on purpose…but I just do not feel hungry.  I have constant headaches.  Shortness of breath…even nausea. I hope this just leaves soon.  Whatever it is I have. I hope the doctors on Thursday find it.  Please God. Let me get better.  I am starting to get worried.The Beauty of Breathing